A Blogging Father in a Mother's World

As I spend more time reading, studying, practicing, and blogging about trying to be a good parent, I'm constantly reminded that there aren't many men out there like me.  Sure there are lots of men working to be good parents, some writing about it in different venues.  Alfie Cohen is a good example as are a couple of the blogs I've listed in my blogroll.  But I find there are far, far few fathers writing blogs and sharing their experiences online than mothers. 

Some of the fathering blogs I check in on, though very heartwarming, insightful, and informative are infrequently updated. There are a couple of fathering websites I've found, but they seem a bit vacant to me.  For example, I visited Fatherville.com and there seems to be some helpful information.  I visited the forums page, where fathers can gather and chat about just about anything.  It's practically dormant.  GreatDad.com is another example; the forum doesn't look like anyone's contributed in nearly two weeks. 

For a comparison, if you go to many sights by and for mothers, a forum post two weeks old is so buried in the forums it's hard to find.  On the Mothering website forum, numbers of posts are often measured in thousands; on the fathers', they would be lucky to be in the hundreds.  For this post, I decided to search the Mothering forum for "Fathering" and see what came up.  An early hit was for a woman looking for resources for her envious husband, last posted to in July.  There were a total of six posts in the thread, none listing specific resources.  They claimed an internet search found some interesting sites, but listed none.  Mothering Magazine recently listed a number of fathering websites, such as The Father Life Magazine, which is updated regularly, but the community is vastly smaller than that for mothers. 

Okay, I think I've belabored this point for a while.  Why the whine?  It's just an interesting observation, and I can only speculate why this is the case.  So here I go. 

Mothers are still the primary care givers in the home.  Yes, there are many exceptions to this, I know, but I still think moms rule the roost. Mothers are more interested in sharing their parenting experiences, and many, such as SouleMama, have used their skills to turn their websites into profitable businesses.  I know it isn't that men aren't interested in sharing experiences or turning their experiences into profitable businesses; I see it all the time on other forums, but less so for parenting. 

What does all this mean?  I'm not advocating for a secularized, digital version of  Promise Keepers rally.  I don't think dads should all come together and sing Kumbaya  It means I spend more time reading mother's blogs about family matters than father's.  That's mostly okay with me, though sometimes I feel like a stranger in a strange land.  And maybe my stranger metaphor is the reason so few men write about their experiences.  Maybe they are strangers in a strange land of parenting. I'll leave you with that, saving a discussion of fathers in the land of parenting for future posts.  But in the meantime, what are your thoughts?  Let's play armchair-sociologists.  Why do you think the disparity in online presence?

I hear little ones starting to stir upstairs and I'm on pancake duty this morning. 

This Moment

{this moment} A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.  -- via SouleMama

A Wake-Up Story from Healthy Child Healthy World on Vimeo.

Really? Beetles in Baby Formula? Really?

Um, this is just one more reason I support breastfeeding. 

One Thing

Biking Is Not a Crime

 

On my ride to work today a woman honked at me (which is dangerous and illegal) so she could get my attention and yell out her passenger window that there was a sidewalk.  I was well aware of the sidewalk, but I think she was trying to tell me that I was supposed to ride my bike on it.  I yelled back at her that I had a right to the rode, but I doubt she heard me.

I have two goals for this post.
1) I want to inform people about bicycling laws in Michigan.  Read this.  There that's done.

2) In my search for Michigan bicycling laws, and my desire to procrastinate, I stumbled across an interesting fact.  According to the League of American Bicyclists, Michigan is the 16th most bike friendly state (here).  I have to admit to being a bit surprised, pleasantly.  Though the grades aren't great, we beat out 34 other states.  Michigan is in the top third of something, and it isn't related to crime urban decay, or unemployment.  Given our history as the vehicle state and the abuse our state gets in the media, that was nice to see.  I wasn't surprised to see that Flint was not on the list of bike friendly communities (pdf).  Sure Flint doesn't have many bike lanes, many bike racks, businesses catering to bicyclists, but since I've been regularly commuting via bike, today's incident is only the second time someone has been inconsiderate.  Actually, I've been amazingly impressed with how courteous drivers typically are when I ride.  I'm not sure if they think they'll catch bike cooties or if drivers are intentionally courteous, but drivers typically move as far from me as possible and regularly wait to pass me until it is safe.  And I'm appreciative of that.  I particularly appreciate it because I have children, so if I get hurt, it hurts more than me. I definitely bike for me, but I also think of the message it sends my children and the health benefits as I age and try to keep up with perpetual motion machines.

Flint has a great and growing trail along the Flint River, it has a Critical Mass ride on the last Friday of every month, and it has a road race.  Heck, they even added bike lanes to Saginaw Street.  Maybe we're on our way to being added to the list of bike friendly communities.  

Maybe biking and courteous drivers is something the mainstream media can pick up on about Flint for a change.  Hey, Bobby Crim, add a bike race to your festival of races.  Hey, Flint Journal, why don't you write a story about bike commuters in Flint?  Make it a feature in the Sunday magazine.  You can reach me here.  I'll be waiting.

Aligning Stars?

Kids Art: But it's not an octopus!

Thanks to my wife for pointing this out to me. 

(There is a little creepy factor because the post date is Wednesday, September 22, but it's still the 21st here.  I assume it was published across the dateline from us.) 

#3 Commend Effort

In my latest examination of Alyson Schafer's suggestions for encouraging our children, I need to examine one that is a little problematic for me.  For me.  Not the parenting advice.  At a teacher, commending effort is fine, and I believe teachers should commend effort.  But the dark side of that is those that believe effort equates with success.  Effort does not equate with entitlement, and entitlement is a problem teachers encounter on a regular basis.  It seems to be becoming pervasive in the classroom.  Now I sound like an old crotchety teacher (now I am an old crotchety teacher?) On the flip side, commending effort is backhanded way some teachers can say something isn't very good.  Teachers can simply commend the student on their effort rather than the work they did.  Gee, Jenny, I see you worked very hard on that biology lab: 53%. 

I would prefer to not head too far down that path, and I'd like to instead focus on the parenting and commending effort.  But I did want to express my apprehension of commending effort before I explored it from a parenting perspective.

I appreciate what Schafer is trying to impart to parents.  It is important for children to see that their effort will reap rewards.  I often try to commend my twins for their patience, especially when it relates activities involving their little brother.  Sometimes I need to focus on our littlest one and the twins simply have to wait.  Waiting can be a challenge for 4 1/2 year old.  Sometimes the twins are less successful at being patient that others, but I appreciate their efforts and commend them accordingly.

In "The Secret to Raising Smart Kids" Carol Dweck states, "our studies show that teaching people to have a "growth mind-set," which encourages a focus on effort rather than on intelligence or talent, helps make them into high achievers in school and in life." I like how later in the article Dweck describes two kinds of praise, praising stable traits (e.g. You are a good soccer player.) and praising process.  Her research found that praising traits can lead to a child being fragile or defensive.  Praising process, on the other hand, can help a child overcome challenges.

I'm less successful at commending effort when it comes to activities such as art.  I try to comment on focus or attention, but I find it hard to not make positive qualitative comments about their work.  Dweck has one example of commending effort that appear to my lay eyes to be a positivist comment ("You did a good job drawing. I like the detail you added to the people's faces."). Other examples are far more effort-oriented (I like the way you tried a lot of different strategies on that math problem until you finally got it.").  Twin M is very critical of his own work and he can be very focused on it.  As a parent who wants his children to be happy, I want to tell him that his art looks great.  And to me, it does.  It wasn't that long ago that he ate crayons rather than colored with them.  But he may be dissatisfied, occasionally resulting in a tantrum.  His opinion is valuable and I shouldn't be quick to dismiss it as a mean to ease his frustration.  He should be the judge of his own art.

That doesn't mean I can't say I don't like it; it just means I need to refrain from positivist statements of quality that undermine his judgment.  Instead, I should focus on his attention, his focus and work ethic.  But in the moment, that can be hard, and I need to accept that he will be disappointment and I can't fix everything.  I need to be skillful at commending his effort so when he is disappointed, he will persevere until he accomplishes his goal to his satisfaction. And I know it won't be too long before he is teaching me something about technology, and I hope he commends my effort as well as my success. 

One Thing